


Real Friends [Rafael Barba]

by law_nerd105



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feels, Friends With Benefits, Kissing, Light Angst, Oral Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:06:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28595199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/law_nerd105/pseuds/law_nerd105
Summary: Nick was supposed to fill the empty void, and Rafael wasn't supposed to know.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Reader, Rafael Barba/You
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	Real Friends [Rafael Barba]

**Author's Note:**

> I feel slightly upset that it's already the 6th of January and I'm only posting my first fic of the year now, but it was completely worth it.

I left Nick's apartment feeling dirty and guilty. I stumbled my way down the empty hallway to get to the elevator, trying desperately not to trip over my own two feet. My entire body was still on fire and slightly sweaty. My loose hair clung to the frame of my face, and the back of my neck.

I always hated myself most in those moments when I left Nick's apartment.

I often wondered if Nick ever felt the same way after I left. It wasn't love, most definitely not. There were days when Nick drove me to the edge of my sanity. But he wanted to forget about Maria, and I... well, I wanted to forget about everything.

I wondered if he ever felt guilty.

The probability was slim. We weren't using each other for the same reasons. Nick was trying to move on, I on the other hand, was trying to forget. Trying to forget about all the heartache and pain he's caused me. Not Nick, no, Rafael Barba was guilty of that. Not that he was even remotely aware of that fact.

No, he would just keep on prancing around in his two thousand – dollar suits like he didn't know what he was doing.

"You forgot this," I jumped when Nick suddenly spoke behind me, my purse in his hand. I took it from him with a heavy sigh.  
"Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow," I was about to turn, but Nick stopped me.

"Listen, I've been meaning to tell you, I think we should call it quits," he blurted out, watching my reaction with intent. My shoulders dropped, and then my whole body collapsed against the hallway wall and slid down to the floor.

"What the hell am I doing with my life?" I asked rhetorically, in an overdramatic way. I threw my head back against the wall, hearing Nick set himself down at my side.  
"Having amazing sex with me," I didn't need to open my eyes to know that he was smirking.

"I bet my next paycheck he doesn't even know that I exist," I mumbled. Nick scoffed.  
"You're being overdramatic."  
"I wish I was."

There was a moment of silence where I simply sat and regretted every decision I had made that led up to me sitting in the hallway outside of Nick Amaro's apartment.

"Have you ever considered making a move on him?" he asked, I opened my eyes at that, giving an audible scoff.  
"Yeah, how would that go? Hey, Barba, I've been in love with you for almost six months now. Also, how's that warrant coming along?" Nick chuckled, shaking his head.

"No, maybe save the 'I love you' for the second date."  
"Considering he even wants a first date."

There was another uncomfortable pause.

"What's the worst thing that could happen?" I looked over at him.  
"Mortal humiliation," he laughed again.  
"Worst thing that could happen, is that he could reject you."  
"That's enough to convince me not to do it."  
"I sometimes forget that you're a sixteen – year – old high school girl trapped in the body of an adult."

I sighed, pushing myself up to stand.

"Thanks for the pep talk, I'll see you at work," Nick quickly jumped up from where he had been sitting.  
"Trust me, he'd be a fool to turn you down."

And with that being said, he turned around and left me. I was quick to face away from him and repeatedly press the button for the elevator doors to open, desperate to leave.

And at that moment, I didn't know what was more alarming. The fact that Nick had given me dating advice, or the fact that I was strongly considering to take it.

***

"Morning," Sonny's cheerful greeting did horrors for my hangover.  
"Morning," I muttered more quietly, taking my seat at my desk.

"Sleep well?" the question was laced with sarcasm, and the knowing glint in Sonny's eyes told me that he knew enough to provoke me all day long.  
"Perfect," I lied, hiding behind my cup of coffee. Truth be told, I spent most of my night crying into my pillow.

As Amanda walked past me, she subtly placed two Advil pills on the dash of my desk, not even glancing in my direction as she did. She knew from personal experience what a nuisance Sonny could be. I silently praised her in that moment for being my saving grace.

"(Y/L/N), Carisi," Olivia called both our attentions, stuffing a file into Sonny's hand. "I need you to head over to Barba, brief him on the case and try to get a warrant from him," with our orders given, we both slung our coats on and headed for the exit.

I dreaded the visit then more than I ever would have before.

***

Sonny truly was an irritation for the entirety of the drive over to Rafael's office. I tried to change the subject at first, then settled on rather ignoring him. Sonny was sweet when he wanted to be, but he was also a snooper. The most annoying part was that he never realised that he was butting in on your business unless you told him so directly.

The knock Sonny gave to Rafael's closed office door, sent a throb straight to my still burning forehead, and I had to keep myself from wincing.

"Morning, Barba," Sonny greeted him as cheerfully as he had me earlier. He quickly made himself comfortable on the couch in Rafael's office, without even awaiting permission. I stood standing, not thinking that my hangover could handle Sonny's overwhelmingly strong cologne any longer.

Rafael was sitting at his desk, feet propped up on the table while he was scanning through a case file. He shut it, tossing it to his desk.

"What can I do for you, Detectives?" he spoke with a sigh in his voice. He stood then, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his pants while he walked around his desk, stopping, and leaning against the front of it.

"Lieu wants us to brief you, then ask for a warrant," I was very close to asking Sonny to stop screaming, his voice still rang in my ears.

"Alright then," Rafael glanced over at me, and I shifted my weight on my feet under his gaze. "What do you have for me?"

Sonny then went on and on about the case, being sure to mention every bloody detail, while I sipped at a cup of coffee and prayed for my raging headache to ease. I kept quiet, for the most part, allowing Sonny to take the lead. I could keep from facing Rafael today.

"Detective?" Rafael's smooth voice called me back to attention, my eyes snapping open when I heard him address me. I looked up at him.  
"Hmm?"  
"What's your point of view on the case?" he asked, and I opened my mouth to answer, but silently thanked the Gods when my phone rang and interrupted me.

I glanced down at the screen, seeing Nick's name.

"Excuse me, I have to take this," I left his office then, not missing the way he watched me with confusion written all over his face.

"What?" I answered, quite harshly, and instantly regretting my tone of voice. "Sorry, I'm just tired," I lied, hearing him chuckle on the other end.

" _It's fine. Since you're cranky, how about I come over tonight? I know I said we should call it quits, but I think one more time would do more good than harm at this point_ ," I sighed, then dared to look into Rafael's office, catching him staring at me through the open blinds of his office windows.

"Yeah, yeah, I could actually use a distraction," I kicked myself almost immediately after the words left my mouth, but I couldn't find it within myself to regret it.  
" _Great, I'll swing by around seven. That cool_?"  
"Yeah, I'll see you then," I killed the line, hating myself for agreeing to another night with him.

With dread filling my thoughts, I walked back into Rafael's office, interrupting him and Sonny's seemingly deep conversation.

"What did I miss?" both men shrugged me off while I took my seat again, Rafael's eyes narrowing at me just enough for me to notice. But I was beyond caring at this point.

***

Six o'clock came and went and I hadn't bothered to dress up for Nick, in fact, I hadn't even bothered to change out of my work clothes. It was an in and out sort of thing at this point, neither of us really caring about anything else beyond the actual sex.

When there was a knock at my front door, I almost wanted to ignore it, and pretend that I wasn't home. But, knowing Nick, he wouldn't give up that easily. So, I dragged my feet to the door and swung it open without precaution.

I was unpleasantly surprised when I saw the one and only Rafael Barba standing in front of me with a bottle of red wine in his hand. I almost chocked on my own spit at the sight of him standing there, casually dressed in jeans and sweater. Almost.

"Care for some company?" he gave me his trademark smirk, letting himself slip in past me.  
"Now's not really the best time," I spoke softer, in actual fact hoping that the floor would just swallow me in whole and get on with it.

"You looked like you had a bad day," he started speaking, either not having heard me, or having chosen to ignore me.  
"That would be the understatement of the century," I replied, giving in, and getting us both a glass while he made himself at home.

"Well, then it's lucky that I came bearing alcohol," he joked. I sighed, running my hands down my face.  
"What are you doing here?" I asked, dropping my hands to my sides, and staring at him with a look on my face that was begging for an answer.

"We're friends, right?" I didn't mean to scoff, but I did. It made me feel worse that I saw sincerity in his eyes. "I just thought I could get you to feel a little better," if only he could've known that he was the reason for my misery.  
"I appreciate it, I really do, but I don't think that now is the right time."

Rafael walked carefully when he approached me, visibly hesitant.

"Look," he started, I hated it when sentences started that way. It never ended well. "I know that for some reason or another, your always on edge when you're with me. And I don't know why, but I'm going to try something. So, please don't slap me."

When he stepped forward again, I didn't think I liked the situation I was in. And when his mouth descended down onto mine, I didn't know what to think at all. His hands were on my hips, guiding me backwards until I was stuck between the wall and his chest.

The fact that I wasn't pulling away, must've resonated as a green light with him, because he kept going. His mouth moving hungrily over mine, his hands on my hips pulling me as close as possible to him. I liked the way it felt, I liked how soft his lips felt, how good he felt pressed against me. It was so much better than how I had imagined it would be like. But I stood frozen, completely unsure of how to react.

He was smiling when he pulled away, running his thumbs over my hips as he pulled back completely. I pinched my eyes closed, trying to force the tears away.

"Hey, (Y/N), sorry I'm late, I-" I felt my stomach drop, my chest becoming instantly tight at the sound of Nick's voice entering my apartment. He cut himself short when he saw us.

Rafael shot his head around to look at Nick, then looked back at me where I stood looking down at the floor in shame.

"Right," he scoffed, "I was just leaving," he stormed out of my apartment, slamming the door shut behind him, causing me to jump when he did.

I didn't even bother to call after him, I knew that it wouldn't have made a difference.  
"(Y/N), I am so sorry, I didn't-"  
"Just leave," I interrupted him, the words barely audible.  
"(Y/N), I-"  
"Get out!" I didn't mean to snap at him, but I needed him to leave before I could fall apart in front of him.

Nick took the hint then, remaining silent as he let himself out.

I crumbled to the floor, my legs refusing to hold me. I hugged my knees to my chest and shook as I started sobbing.

I finally got what I wanted, and I was hating myself more than ever. Why did it need to hurt so much? Why did it seem like the world was out to get me?

I sobbed with my head hung low, my earlier headache returning. I shook violently as I cried. It wasn't fair. Everyone else had their happy ending, why couldn't mine be as simple?

***

I woke up with a headache, again. And when I dared to look into my bathroom mirror, I felt the guilt and shame rise in me again. My eyes were red and swollen from spending another night pathetically sobbing into my pillow.

It was Sunday, I had the day off, and I knew that Rafael had the day off as well. I wanted so badly to straighten out the mess I had made. But what the hell would I even say? ' _Yeah, I slept with Nick, but it was only because I'm hopelessly in love with you_.' No matter what I said, or how I said it, I sounded pathetic either way.

I spent my day between my bed and the couch, feeling sorry for myself. The hard – pouring rain kept me from feeling anything other than self – pity. The wine, that Rafael had brought the previous night, still stood unopened and untouched on my kitchen counter, mocking me.

I should've known better than to do something as foolish as sleeping with Nick. Thinking back now, I couldn't even remember a good enough reason as to why I had thought it was a good idea to begin with. It never meant anything, it was always just a result of one lonely night at a bar and one too many shots of cheap vodka.

I glanced up at the digital numbers on my microwave. It was already past five, if I got dressed now, I could catch Nick when he made it home. I hated that he was my only comfort.

***

I knocked on the door, internally hoping that he wasn't home so that I could have an excuse to turn around and leave. And I was just about to, when the door opened.

"Detective," that single word was laced with so much venom, that I could've vomited right there in front of him.

"Hey, Rafael," he didn't let me in, blocking the doorway with his entire body. I held up the bottle of wine he had brought me, offering up a weak smile. "I brought alcohol," Rafael scoffed, but stepped aside for me, nonetheless.

I put the wine down on his kitchen counter, keeping from turning around to face him just yet. I listened as he locked the door and walked towards me. He stopped right behind me, forcing me to turn around. So I did.

"Come to rub salt in my wounds?" that hurt me more than it should have, I hated it.  
"No," I answered shortly, swiping the back of my hand over my eye, where a tear had already fallen. God, I wasn't going to make it through this conversation.

He only stood silent for a heartbeat before moving back towards the door.

"Great, always nice having you," he hissed.  
"I'm sorry," that got him to face me again, and to back away from the door.

Then he just stood there, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched me.

"I wish I had some believable explanation so that I could still have the happy ending, but I don't. I _was_ sleeping with Nick," I confessed, the words seemed to burn my tongue, and I hated that I was crying in front of him. "And it might sound cliché, but I only ever did it because I was trying to get my mind off of you. I swear to you that what Nick and I had was purely physical," he huffed, looking away from me. "I hated every minute of it, but I couldn't have you, and that hurt more than it probably should have."

"And sex with Amaro was the answer?" he quipped, and I rubbed away at the falling tears.  
"No, but it was the only one I saw at the time."

There was a long moment of silence where the only sounds were of my occasional sob and sniffing.

"Listen, I would understand if you never wanted to talk to me again, let alone look at me. But I want you to know that I... I love you. And Nick was just an excuse because I was too scared to confess anything to you."

I waited a few more seconds, watching as he stood stunned and trying to process my confession. I watched for anything that might have indicated that was in the okay zone, then I thought better of staying any longer.

I made my way over to the door, and left. A part of me had wished that he would've called me back, but he hadn't, and I had to live with that. I had to live with the fact that I finally had one chance, and I blew it.

***

I hated Mondays, but I could safely say that I hated this one the most. I took half a sleeping pill when I came home from Rafael, knowing I couldn't have handled another night spent crying myself to sleep.

I felt better rested when I walked into the squad room, but I still felt horrible. I noticed a few messages and missed calls from Nick from Sunday, but I knew very well that he was the last person I needed to be talking to if I had any chance at redeeming myself.

"How was your weekend?" Sonny asked, being his usual cheerfully awake self.  
"Shitty," I answered without thinking. "Yours?" he was about to answer when Nick cut him short.  
"Carisi, you're with me."

Nick glanced at me briefly, giving me a reassuring nod, before he pulled Sonny away from me. I was thankful then.

Apart from a few interviews, my day only seemed to drag me further into boredom. It most definitely didn't help that I had nothing to occupy my mind with. It meant my thoughts kept racing to one place and that one place only.

By the time I got back to my apartment, I was ready to either drown myself in the tub of ice cream at the back of my freezer, or the bottle of vodka I had bought on my way back home.

But I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Rafael standing in front of my door. Well, leaning against the hallway wall on his phone. He looked up when he heard how I idiotically dropped my keys.

"Hey," he smiled a weak smile, pocketing his phone and standing upright.  
"Hi," my voice was barely a whisper.  
"I was hoping we could talk?" he sort of asked, awkwardly standing with his hands in his pockets as he waited for my response. It took me a moment to process what he had said before I nodded.

I locked the door behind us, setting my things down on my kitchen counter and turning around to look at him.

"Do you-" he kept me from finishing my sentence by slamming his mouth down on mine. I gasped at the unexpectedness. I should've pulled away from him, I should've urged him that we talk about it first. But I didn't want to.

He stepped forward, making sure that he was pressing firmly against me. His one hand threaded through my hair, tugging hard so that my head was leaned back, and my neck was exposed. I moaned at the feeling.

His mouth kept working at my lips, then he pushed me down by my shoulders until my knees hit the floor. With his one hand still gripping onto my hair, the other busied with unbuckling his belt and pushing both his pants and boxers down to his ankles.

I very almost moaned at the sight of his erect cock in front of my face, but he didn't give me the chance to. He fisted his cock, groaning above me as he tugged a few times. I felt the wetness pool between my legs as I could do nothing but watch the sight in front of me.

When his hand left his cock, it cupped my jaw. He forced his thumb into my greedy mouth, watching with hooded, lust blown eyes as I sucked. He yanked at my shirt until it was over my head and lying on the floor behind him somewhere. Then he prodded my mouth open wide, stepping forward and lining his cock up at the entrance of my mouth.

I could see a fracture of hesitance in his eyes, so I took the liberty of taking him into my mouth and starting to suck. He threw his head back, panting and groaning as I worked him. I stroked the part of his cock, that didn't fit into my mouth, with my hand.

My façade at control didn't last long. He placed both his hands on my jaw, grabbing my face and bucking his hips forward. I gaged, he moaned.

"Fuck," his voice was hoarse, and sent another flood of heat to my panties. He recklessly began fucking my face, his hips thrusting forward only to pull out and do it again.

I squeezed my thighs together, praying for any form of friction. His pace picked up, his thrust become rapid with no particular rhythm anymore.

"I bet, _fuck_ , I bet Amaro never got special treatment like this, did he?" the mention of Nick turned me off a little, I knew he hated that I had a relationship of sorts with Nick. But he was right, I hadn't gone down on Nick before. And something about the fact that I was doing it for Rafael, kept me on edge.

His hips thrusted once, twice more, before he stilled his hips entirely and came down the back of my throat. He stood panting for a while longer, slowly pulling out of my mouth. His chest rose and fell as he tried to catch his breath, watching me as I swallowed.

He spread the remainder of his cum over my bottom lip with his thumb, then pulled me by my upper arm to stand in front of him.

I wasn't going to say anything, regardless of whether or not he had kissed me again. But I liked the kiss he gave me then. It was soft and needy, his tongue just begging for entrance, which I gladly gave.

He took his time then, his hands running up and down my sides, one settling on my breast and the other on my ass. His tongue moved slowly and languidly, exploring my mouth properly this time. That very kiss gave me a shred of hope that he wouldn't just turn his back on me and leave.

He pulled me close into his chest, breaking the kiss to hug me. His arms were big and strong, wrapping around me and keeping me in place. His breaths were deep and concentrated, like he was still coming down from his high.

I let him hold me. I wanted him to hold me. I was too scared he would leave me if I let go.

"I guess I was just mad that Amaro got something that I knew I wanted more than him," he finally breathed out, placing a kiss to the top of my head.  
"Was mad?" he chuckled, pulling away slightly to look into my eyes.  
"Yeah, was mad. It's not like you knew I would kiss you. As long as I know that there aren't any feelings for Amaro-"  
"There aren't," I interrupted, confidence etched in my words.

"Then I could consider taking you to dinner."  
"Consider?" the smirk he gave me set another fire ablaze in my stomach.

His hand squeezed my ass tightly and he hoisted my up into his arms.

"Although I forgive you, I think you still have a little bit of making up to do," I kissed him then, and he started walking back towards my bedroom.  
"I'll give my soul to the devil at this point, if you would forgive me," he chuckled.  
"Good to know."


End file.
